The Aussie (Bogan-ised) Citizenship Test

My friends in New York keep telling me how much they love Australia and that they really have a deep connection with the Land Down Under...all from watching Crocodile Dundee and few eps of Summer Heights High and We Can Be Heroes. Everyone here loves Aussies and wants to vacay  slash work slash live in Australia...because we are like "so cool and chillaxed"...right on!!!

So, I remember being forwarded this Aussie Citizenship Test years ago during the debate over the government wanting to test all migrants before entering Australia...which I totally think is fair. 

But the spoof test basically is a Bogan-ised version of the Aussie Citizen Test. So I put it out there to all my American friends...if you can pass this test, you are a "True Blue Fair Dinkum Aussie"!!!

Aussie Citizenship Test

1. Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin of, the term 'died in the arse'? 
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2. What is a "bloody little beauty"? 
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3. Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a U-ey? 
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4. Explain the following passage: 'In the arvo last Chrissy the relos rocked up for a barbie, some bevvies and a few snags. After a bit of a Bex and a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the chockies, bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block after Dad and Steve had a barney and a bit of biffo.' 
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5. Macca, Chooka and Wanger are driving to Surfers in their Torana. If they are travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how many slabs will each person on average consume between flashing a brown eye and having a slash? 
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6. Complete the following sentences: 
a) 'If the van's rockin' don't bother ? 
b) You're going home in the back of a ? 
c) Fair crack of the ? 
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7. I've had a gutful and I can't be fagged. Discuss 
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8. Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie? 
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9. Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard 'up on blocks'? Is his name Bruce and does he have a wife called Cheryl? 
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10. Does your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat, cabbage, curry powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called either chow mein, chop suey or kai see ming? 
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11. What are the ingredients in a rissole? 
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12. Demonstrate the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam. 
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13. Do you have an Aunty Irene who smokes 30 cigarettes a day and sounds like a bloke? 
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14. In any two-hour period have you ever eaten three-bean salad, a chop and two serves of pav washed down with someone else's beer that has been flogged from a bath full of ice? 
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15. When you go to a bring- your-own-meat barbie can you eat other people's meat or are you only allowed to eat your own? 
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16. What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter 'b' is required by law to be included in a hamburger with the lot? 
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17. Do you own or have you ever owned a lawn mower, a pair of thongs, an Esky or Ugg boots? 
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18. Is it possible to 'prang a car' while doing 'circle work'? 
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19. Who would you like to crack on to? 
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20. Who is the most Australian: Kevin 'Bloody' Wilson, John 'True Blue' Williamson, Kylie Minogue or Warnie? 
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21. Is there someone you are only mates with because they own a trailer or have a pool? 
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22. What does "sinkin piss at a mates joint" and "getten para" mean?

Aussie Citizenship Test - Answers

Translation:
1. I can't explain the origin however, an example is: Could you give me a ride to work? My car died in the arse and it's at the mechanics. OR,
It had all the markings of a good movie/joke but the ending just died in the arse.

2. A happy statement. ie: Doing something nice for someone and they exclaim, "You bloody little beauty!" It also pertains to our favourite team winning...etc.

3. No, they're not.
A. To chuck a sickie means taking a day off from work/school when you're not sick.
B. Chuck a spaz, is the same as throwing a tantrum.
C. chuck a U-ey means makinga U-turn.

4.In the afternoon last Christmas, the relatives showed up for a B-B-Q, some beverages and a few sausages. After a bit of a Bex (headache powder) and a lie down (nap), we opened the presents and ate all the chocolates, biscuits (cookies) and candy. Then we drank a few beers and Mum got mad after Dad and Steve had an argument and a bit of a fist fight.

5. Macca, Chooka and Wanger (all mens' nicknames) are driving to Surfers Paradise (a coastal city, in Queensland) in their Torana (make of Aussie car). If they are travelling at 100km/h (60 miles) while listening to Jimmy Barnes, John Farnham and AC/DC, how many boxes (of beer) will each person on average, consume between mooning and peeing?

6. Complete the following sentences:
a) If the van's rockin' don't bother...knockin'.
b) You're going home in the back of a...ute/panel van?
c) Fair crack of the...whip.

7. I've had a gutful, means I've had enough...I can't be fagged, means I just can't be bothered.

8. wedgie. A manoeuvre in which the administrator of the wedgie reaches into the back of the victim's trousers, grabs the victim's underpants, and pulls them up so that they form a wedge dividing the victim's buttocks

9. A car on blocks should be self explantory...it's up off the ground with no tyres. Names like Bruce and Cheryl are common but "lower" type names.

10. Mince meat is the same as ground beef..This is an Aussie recipe for a Chinese dish.

11. Beef mince
Eggs
Onion (grated)
Bread crumbs or bread soaked in milk
Plain flour
Salt and pepper

12. Must be soaked in a glass of milk...then suck on it like a straw before you commence the nibbling process.

13. A heavy smoker who sounds like a man.

14, In any two-hour period have you ever eaten three bean salad, a chop (lamb or pork) and two serves of pavlova, followed by drinking someone else's beer that was "stolen" from a bath full of ice? Instead of ice boxes (which we call, "eskies") alot of people just fill the tub with ice to keep the drinks cold.

15. The answer is yes...you can eat other peoples' meat...saugages, steaks etc...but ask first!

16. Beetroot (known as "beet"in the States).

17. Pair of thongs are flip-flops, an esky is an icebox and ugg boots are akin to what the Inuits wear.

18. I'll have to say yes, it's possible. Prang means to crash and circle work, is going 'round and 'round in circles at top speeds.

19. "Crack on to" means to come on to someone.

20. Names of famous Aussie...could be any of them, except for Kylie Minogue (in my opinion ha!)

21. A mate is a buddy and a trailer is a little thing you tow behind your car...usually full of sand, tools or for taking rubbish to the tip.

22. "Sinkin' piss at a mates joint" means, drinking beer at your friends place and "gettin' para" means getting really fucken drunk

DID YA'LL PASS???

Want to learn Chinese in 5 Minutes...Aussie style?

Wei!!!! Well here is the Aussie Sheila's Guide to learn the basics to get through a visit to Chinatown which is always a MUST in NYC...right? 

Enjoy.

My Fair Dinkum Guide to Dating in NYC

To native New Yorkers, I’m still considered a FOP…Fresh Off the Plane as I have only been here the past 6 months. But dating in NYC is always an adventure. You never know if a particular night out will turn into an episode of Sex and the City, The Odd Couple, or Law & Order.

It would be nice to have some expert advice on NYC dating etiquette and what NOT to do…because from what I have seen and heard so far, dating in the Land Down Under is polar opposite.

The “No frills attached way to date”

For Aussies, dating is a dreaded process, with most wishing it could be confined to an episode of Friends. In Australia intimate relationships of any nature happen organically—as does the vast majority of fruit and chicken like you get at Wholefoods here.

Typically, you will meet your love interest through a friend or a friend of a friend or a friend of a friend of a friend. You will hang out in a group and make eyes at each other across a circle of loosely connected people on a rooftop bar or a house party. Eventually you will find yourselves in a corner in deep conversation, laughing and making racist jokes.

You might pash, you might not, but you will exchange numbers. You’ll know that you really like each other when you’re in a taxi going home alone but you’re sending and receiving super cute, incredibly long texties to each other. The next day you’ll probably hang out again— either brunch or one of you will invite the other to a group picnic or to see the latest indie film at the coolest indie cinema with some awesome indie friends. Fantasia.

Time will pass without you noticing and then one day you realize…wow…you’ve hung out almost every day for 2 months. You’ll be lying in bed one Sunday morning reading the paper and drinking orange juice when one will roll over and say to the other, ‘um…we’re like, only seeing each other right?’ The other will shrug their shoulders and casually say ‘I guess,’ because you both knew there was never really a question of anyone else to begin with, mostly because you’re both too lazy or too relaxed for things to be that complicated.

Now New York:

People date in NYC for numerous reasons. You can date for sex, or excitement, or to score free dinners. You can date for "companionship." You can date to climb the status ladder. You can date for free drinks, or taxi rides, or a discount at J.Crew. And to help assist all this, everyone in NYC online dates! But the real shock horror for me was that people date multiple people simultaneously and it's no big deal. In fact, it almost seems expected. Strange central.

Now a typical NYC date…

Mr Wall Street “Hello complete stranger that I know nothing about but would definitely like to bring home. Would you like to go to dinner with me one night so we can sit awkwardly across from each other and ask each other dumb questions about where we grew up?”

Ms Plastic Fantastic “Sure, you’re kind of good looking and you seem rich so I guess I’m going to get a free meal from a place I wouldn’t usually be able to afford.”

Mr Wall Street “Great, what’s your number? I’m asking for it even though I’m not going to text you for at least 3 days because I don’t want to seem too available.”

Ms Plastic Fantastic “That’s OK, I’m going to act like I’m busy the first 2 times you ask me out even though I’m probably just going to be sitting at home by myself watching The Real Housewives of NYC.”

Mr Wall Street “On second thoughts it sounds like you have far too many flaws and I don’t want to date someone who doesn’t fit my absolute ideal of a perfect human.”

New York dating is in it’s own category field universe… just like many of the people here are surely from a different planet, a planet known as NYC.

The first rule of New York dating is that rules do not exist and if you think they do, you should not be diving into this shark tank. Seriously, rules go right out the window when you enter the Holland Tunnel or cross the George Washington Bridge. Logic simply does not exist in the world of New York dating, just like rules.

A good friend slash experienced dater slash native New Yorker passed on these few tips which I will share will my fellow Sheila’s:

1. It may seem obvious, but you should always ask if someone is married. Always. You never know who is hitched, and New Yorkers do not see the sun enough (office tan = pasty white) for there to be a tan line from a wedding ring.

2. Decide why you are dating before dating. If you are looking for a life partner you should adjust your expectations. I have a very eclectic bunch of friends in the city, with ages ranging from early 20’s to late 30’s with the occasional outlier in age…referred to as ‘sugar daddy’ or ‘cougar’. And it’s fact, New Yorkers walk down the isle at a much later, I mean much, much, much later age. It’s totally normal to be single at 40. I recently went to Texas and I was frowned upon for not being married and for not already have popped out like a Brady Bunch amount of kids…at 26!!

The Brady Bunch

3. If you get a text out of the blue that reads something along the lines of, “Hey, it’s been a long time” during the month of February, don’t answer. They just wants a Valentine. If you get a similar text in December, they just wants a date to a New Year’s party. If you get a text of that nature during the summer, answer it. They may want to take you to the Hamptons or some other beach loco.

      But through all the craziness, if you are looking for someone interesting, there is no better place to look. There is so much variety here and thats what I love. Melbourne was kind of small. Once you have been here long enough and learned to greatly appreciate New York crazy, you can embrace the uniqueness of everyone you meet. There are some great guys out  there, all you need to do is sift through the rubbish to get there…but that’s part of the fun…right?

A Sheila's Guide to Aussie Slang

One thing you will come to realise very quickly here in NYC is that the Aussie accent is loved...by e-ver-y-one!!! It's cray. I hate the sound of my accent and it's the reason why I have been travelling to the USA for the past 7 years...to hopefully lose it haha!

If my friends here on the island have no clue what I am talking about...they seriously just look at me blankly...so funny how we are so similar yet so different. I thought NYC was bad, but I recently went to Texas for the OU v Texas college footy game and OMJesus they seriously had no clue at all at what i was saying. It was like I was talking a totally different language. Très funny!!

Full House @ the OU/TX Game

Pappa Vlad and I in our pimpin Wrangler

I get asked like everyday to teach people some Aussie Slang...hence the inspiration for this blog post. 

Sheila's Guide to teaching Aussie Slang...

Arvo: afternoon

ABC - Australian Born Chinese.

Aggro -  Aggressive. 'There's no need to be so aggro.'

Aussie salute: brushing away flies with the hand

Avos: avocados

All froth and no beer -  No substance. 'I thought he was reliable but he was all froth and no beer.'

Apeshit -  An expression of extreme anger

Bull dust -  A lie. 

Bail out: depart, usually angrily

Barbie: barbecue 

Bangers and mash: sausages and mashed potato

Barrack: to cheer on 

Battler: someone working hard and only just making a living

Beaut: great, fantastic

Bikkie: biscuit (also "it cost big bikkies" - it was expensive)

Bizzo: business ("mind your own bizzo")

Bloke: man, guy

Bloody oath!: that's certainly true

Bogan : person who takes little pride in his appearance, spends his days slacking and drinking beer

Bludger: lazy person, layabout, somebody who always relies on other people to do things or lend him things

Bob's your uncle: It will be alright

Bonzer: great, ripper

Boogie board: a hybrid, half-sized surf board

Booze bus: police vehicle used for catching drunk drivers

Bottle-o: liquor shop

Brown-eyed mullet: a turd in the sea (where you're swimming!)

Buckley's chance: no chance ("New Zealand stands Buckley's of beating Australia at football")

Buck's night: stag party, male gathering the night before the wedding

Bullshit: To tell lies

Cark it: to die, cease functioning

Chewy: Chewing gum

Chokkie: chocolate

Chuck a sickie: take the day off sick from work when you're perfectly healthy

Chunder: vomit

Coldie: a beer

Cozzie: swimming costume

Derro -  Homeless person with addiction problems.

Dag: a funny person, nerd, goof

Deadset: true, the truth

Fair dinkum: true, real, genuine ("I'm a dinkum Aussie"; "is he fair dinkum?")

Dipstick: a loser, idiot

Drink with the flies: to drink alone

Drongo: a dope, stupid person

Spit the Dummy: get very upset at something

Dunny: outside lavatory, or toilet

Earbashing: nagging, non-stop chatter

Figjam: "F**k I'm good; just ask me". Nickname for people who have a high opinion of themselves.

Footy: Australian Rules football

Fruit loop: fool

Fried eggs -  Small breasts.

Garbo, garbologist: municipal garbage collector

G'Day, Gidday: hello!

Give it a burl: try it, have a go

Grog: liquor, beer ("bring your own grog, you bludger")

Hoon: hooligan

Hit the sack -  go to bed

Hooroo: goodbye 

Lippy: lipstick

Mate's rate: cheaper than usual for a "friend"

Mozzie: mosquito

Map of Tassie -  Woman's pubic hair. 

Have a Naughty: have sex

Ninkum poop: a fool

Not the full quid: not bright intellectually

Pash: passion, infatuation

Perve: looking lustfully at the opposite sex

Piker: Someone who doesn't want to fit in with others socially, leaves parties early

Rage: party

Ripper: great, fantastic

Root: synonym for f*ck in nearly all its senses: "I feel rooted"; "this washing machine is rooted"; "(s)he's a good root". A very useful word in fairly polite company.

Scratchy: instant lottery ticket

Servo: petrol station

Sheila: a woman

Sickie: day off sick from work (chuck a sickie=take the day off sick from work when you're perfectly healthy!)

Slab: a carton of 24 bottles or cans of beer

Smoko: smoke or coffee break

Snag: a sausage

Spit the dummy: get very upset at something

Stickybeak: nosy person

Strewth: exclamation, mild oath ("Strewth, that Chris is a bonzer bloke")

Shit house -  Very bad also toilet.

Shit shoveler -  Someone doing a badly paid unpleasant job.

Taswegian: a person from Tasmania

Technicolor yawn: vomit

Thingo: Wadjamacallit, thingummy, whatsit

Thick as a brick -  Dim witted person. 'Judy is as thick as a brick!'

Thongs: cheap rubber backless sandals

Thunder box: toilet

To have Tickets on oneself: to have a high opinion of oneself

Tinny: can of beer, small aluminium boat

Too right!: definitely!

Tucker: food 

Uni: university

Up oneself: have a high opinion of oneself - "he's really up himself"

Ute: utility vehicle

Veg out: relax in front of the TV (like a vegetable)

Vee dub: Volkswagen

Waggin' school: playing truant

Whinge: complain

Woop Woop: invented name for any small unimportant town - "he lives in Woop Woop"

Wowser: straight-laced person, prude, puritan, spoilsport

Wog: person of Mediterranean origin 

Youse: you

A Dummies Guide on how to be Australian Living in NYC

New York City…population 8.2 million…streuth that’s a lot!

The percentage of that amount that are Aussie would surprise you. There are so many Australians living in New York City that New York is more like a colony of Australia than a city in America. They say that every New Yorker has a drug dealer, a therapist and an Australian friend. You can’t go anywhere in New York without meeting an Australian (kinda sad), to the point where you have to wonder if we’re up to something shifty, like a very passive invasion.

If you’re an Australian in New York, greet non-Australians with “g’day”, even though you’ve never actually said it before in your life. Love the way non-Australians either look very confused or completely gleeful when they hear your purposeful Australian slang. Likewise, be more than willing to throw on your thickest Australian accent when probed at parties and say things like, “a dingo stole my baby!” and, “this here crocodile is a real big guy!” Feel pleased with yourself that everyone thinks this is hilarious, even though you’re debasing your culture by relying on untrue and cringeworthy stereotypes for shits and giggles.

The hot...Crocodile Dundee

Know every other Australian in New York…there a plenty of groups on LinkedIn for you to dabble in. Form communities with a like mind and start behaving like meerkats, all looking out for one another with everyone working together to strengthen the pack. Help each other network so that you all have fortuitously good apartments, jobs and friends. All use the same drug dealer. If you meet another Australian you don’t know yet, make it your business to know them. Add them on Facebook to find you already have 49 mutual friends. Give them your drug dealer’s phone number.

When you run into random Australians (for instance, the guy who serves you at the coffee shop), both speak to each other very slowly, and exchange knowing glances. Be very unsure whether you should ask them where they are from. Generally decide not to say anything but exchange a few more conspiratorial looks. If you do talk about Australia, automatically assume they are from Melbourne or Sydney. Be genuinely surprised when you meet people from Perth or Queensland. Be incredulous if you meet someone from South Australia or Tasmania. Call bullshit if you meet someone from Canberra.

Live in Williamsburg, Soho, Bowery or Chinatown. Bitch about the coffee for the first month you are here and develop a superiority complex about Australian coffee (east coast coffee, of course). Hang out at Ruby’s, Saturdays and Five Leaves. Think brunch sounds smug but do it anyway. Drink way too much, all the time. Be the life of the party, whether it’s at brunch or 4am at the Kenmare. Fulfill more untrue cultural stereotypes of Australians, and if you can, plank (ironically).

Pine for nature. Ache for the beach. Go to the beach. Complain that there aren’t enough waves. If you’re a girl, fail to identify with stereotypical New York girls. Talk about camping in Australia like it’s as natural as breathing, and scoff at girls who have never pitched a tent. Become tired by talking about boys and dating all the time. Grow to hate dating. If you’re a boy be genuinely confused about having to pay for girls all the time. Completely misunderstand and shun dating. 

That concludes this edition of Being Australian 101.