The Aussie (Bogan-ised) Citizenship Test

My friends in New York keep telling me how much they love Australia and that they really have a deep connection with the Land Down Under...all from watching Crocodile Dundee and few eps of Summer Heights High and We Can Be Heroes. Everyone here loves Aussies and wants to vacay  slash work slash live in Australia...because we are like "so cool and chillaxed"...right on!!!

So, I remember being forwarded this Aussie Citizenship Test years ago during the debate over the government wanting to test all migrants before entering Australia...which I totally think is fair. 

But the spoof test basically is a Bogan-ised version of the Aussie Citizen Test. So I put it out there to all my American friends...if you can pass this test, you are a "True Blue Fair Dinkum Aussie"!!!

Aussie Citizenship Test

1. Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin of, the term 'died in the arse'? 
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2. What is a "bloody little beauty"? 
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3. Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a U-ey? 
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4. Explain the following passage: 'In the arvo last Chrissy the relos rocked up for a barbie, some bevvies and a few snags. After a bit of a Bex and a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the chockies, bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block after Dad and Steve had a barney and a bit of biffo.' 
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5. Macca, Chooka and Wanger are driving to Surfers in their Torana. If they are travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how many slabs will each person on average consume between flashing a brown eye and having a slash? 
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6. Complete the following sentences: 
a) 'If the van's rockin' don't bother ? 
b) You're going home in the back of a ? 
c) Fair crack of the ? 
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7. I've had a gutful and I can't be fagged. Discuss 
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8. Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie? 
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9. Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard 'up on blocks'? Is his name Bruce and does he have a wife called Cheryl? 
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10. Does your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat, cabbage, curry powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called either chow mein, chop suey or kai see ming? 
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11. What are the ingredients in a rissole? 
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12. Demonstrate the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam. 
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13. Do you have an Aunty Irene who smokes 30 cigarettes a day and sounds like a bloke? 
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14. In any two-hour period have you ever eaten three-bean salad, a chop and two serves of pav washed down with someone else's beer that has been flogged from a bath full of ice? 
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15. When you go to a bring- your-own-meat barbie can you eat other people's meat or are you only allowed to eat your own? 
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16. What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter 'b' is required by law to be included in a hamburger with the lot? 
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17. Do you own or have you ever owned a lawn mower, a pair of thongs, an Esky or Ugg boots? 
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18. Is it possible to 'prang a car' while doing 'circle work'? 
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19. Who would you like to crack on to? 
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20. Who is the most Australian: Kevin 'Bloody' Wilson, John 'True Blue' Williamson, Kylie Minogue or Warnie? 
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21. Is there someone you are only mates with because they own a trailer or have a pool? 
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22. What does "sinkin piss at a mates joint" and "getten para" mean?

Aussie Citizenship Test - Answers

Translation:
1. I can't explain the origin however, an example is: Could you give me a ride to work? My car died in the arse and it's at the mechanics. OR,
It had all the markings of a good movie/joke but the ending just died in the arse.

2. A happy statement. ie: Doing something nice for someone and they exclaim, "You bloody little beauty!" It also pertains to our favourite team winning...etc.

3. No, they're not.
A. To chuck a sickie means taking a day off from work/school when you're not sick.
B. Chuck a spaz, is the same as throwing a tantrum.
C. chuck a U-ey means makinga U-turn.

4.In the afternoon last Christmas, the relatives showed up for a B-B-Q, some beverages and a few sausages. After a bit of a Bex (headache powder) and a lie down (nap), we opened the presents and ate all the chocolates, biscuits (cookies) and candy. Then we drank a few beers and Mum got mad after Dad and Steve had an argument and a bit of a fist fight.

5. Macca, Chooka and Wanger (all mens' nicknames) are driving to Surfers Paradise (a coastal city, in Queensland) in their Torana (make of Aussie car). If they are travelling at 100km/h (60 miles) while listening to Jimmy Barnes, John Farnham and AC/DC, how many boxes (of beer) will each person on average, consume between mooning and peeing?

6. Complete the following sentences:
a) If the van's rockin' don't bother...knockin'.
b) You're going home in the back of a...ute/panel van?
c) Fair crack of the...whip.

7. I've had a gutful, means I've had enough...I can't be fagged, means I just can't be bothered.

8. wedgie. A manoeuvre in which the administrator of the wedgie reaches into the back of the victim's trousers, grabs the victim's underpants, and pulls them up so that they form a wedge dividing the victim's buttocks

9. A car on blocks should be self explantory...it's up off the ground with no tyres. Names like Bruce and Cheryl are common but "lower" type names.

10. Mince meat is the same as ground beef..This is an Aussie recipe for a Chinese dish.

11. Beef mince
Eggs
Onion (grated)
Bread crumbs or bread soaked in milk
Plain flour
Salt and pepper

12. Must be soaked in a glass of milk...then suck on it like a straw before you commence the nibbling process.

13. A heavy smoker who sounds like a man.

14, In any two-hour period have you ever eaten three bean salad, a chop (lamb or pork) and two serves of pavlova, followed by drinking someone else's beer that was "stolen" from a bath full of ice? Instead of ice boxes (which we call, "eskies") alot of people just fill the tub with ice to keep the drinks cold.

15. The answer is yes...you can eat other peoples' meat...saugages, steaks etc...but ask first!

16. Beetroot (known as "beet"in the States).

17. Pair of thongs are flip-flops, an esky is an icebox and ugg boots are akin to what the Inuits wear.

18. I'll have to say yes, it's possible. Prang means to crash and circle work, is going 'round and 'round in circles at top speeds.

19. "Crack on to" means to come on to someone.

20. Names of famous Aussie...could be any of them, except for Kylie Minogue (in my opinion ha!)

21. A mate is a buddy and a trailer is a little thing you tow behind your car...usually full of sand, tools or for taking rubbish to the tip.

22. "Sinkin' piss at a mates joint" means, drinking beer at your friends place and "gettin' para" means getting really fucken drunk

DID YA'LL PASS???

Want to learn Chinese in 5 Minutes...Aussie style?

Wei!!!! Well here is the Aussie Sheila's Guide to learn the basics to get through a visit to Chinatown which is always a MUST in NYC...right? 

Enjoy.

The Low Down on Understanding Aussies...

The Australian way-of-life, sense of humour, perspective & lingo is often a complete mystery to those visiting our sunburnt shores. We are best described as chillaxed and mega laid-back or casual.

Much of what makes the 'Aussie-a-saurus-rex' species unique is its evolution from a society based on 'mateship'. The 'new' country was more new than anyone could ever have imagined! Animals that hopped, furry animals with duck-bills, big-birds that didn’t fly, spiders, crocs and snakes…not to mention natives throwing sticks that return to sender…WTF! This land was one hell of a culture shock to the European visitors!!!

Indigenous Aboriginal and his Boomerang 

The use of the word mate was widespread by the 1890s, and is often linked with the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier and colourful goldfield towns. It is to reaffirm our egalitarian backgrounds that Aussies greet everyone they meet with "G'day mate, ow-yer-goin'?” Translation: Good Morning Sir. How are you today?

The other explanation for why we call everyone mate is that we are a nation of lazy bastards, all just really hopeless with names!

The idea of group solidarity and mateship is a recurring theme in Aussie relationships. It helps:

• Maintain group coherence by respecting each other’s ability, not their 'position'
• Promotes democratic processes by reminding all that no one is better than the other or more valued than the group
• Confirming the individuals acceptance into the 'mates circle.'

The ultimate accolade or mark of acceptance from an Aussie is …"yeah, he's not a bad bloke", rising to …”he's 'a good/top bloke' or she's a 'top bird.”

It is also often proper to refer to your best friend as "a total or stupid bastard"…often said loudly with raucous affection. By contrast, an enemy is "a bit of a bastard" and your worst enemy is just plain…"a bastard," said quietly yet firmly through clenched teeth!

Here's some more insider hints about us mob:

•    The shorter the nickname, the more we like you. 
(If any word can be shortened, it will…preferably ending in a vowel) Eg, Steven = Stevo

•   It's considered far better to be "down on your luck" than "up yourself."

•    Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the milk crate. And, if it can't be fixed with pantyhose and '8-guage fencing wire', it's not worth fixing. (Yeah…& Gaffa tape!!!)

•    The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags. (Sausages.)

Typical Aussie bogans mates having a BBQ

•    The bigger the hat, the smaller the station / farm. (Never, ever a 'ranch!')

•    The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. Or at least not acted upon. You should take everything. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you are not trying.

•    On picnics, the Esky (ice-box/cold storage container) is always too small, creating a food versus grog (alcohol) battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.

•    The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle,” means everyone in the family loves a drink.

•    A flash sports car driven by a middle-aged man does not incite envy - as in America - but hilarity.

•    If there were any sort of free event or party within a hundred and fifty kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go. Got to conquer the tyranny of distance!

•    Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage-sizzle and onion rings.

•    There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce. (Aka. 'dead horse' in rhyming slang.) It's never, ever called 'ketsup' despite the extensive marketing campaigns and the relentless onslaught of globalisation.

•    A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in the 'good ole US of A, but a fine example of footwear. A group of good-lookin' Aussie sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped!!

•    'Rooting' for a team is not what you think!! The only people Aussies 'root' for is their husbands/wives/girlfriends/very good friends etc. We 'barrack' for our teams!

And finally, don't let the tourist books fool you. No one says "cobber," and no Aussie would ever 'throw another shrimp on the barbie'…

FYI - We only eat prawns.

Put another shrimp prawn on the barbie!!

The Land Down Under through the eyes of a Yank

Living in NYC has been an interesting experience for someone who was born and raised in Australia. Quite often, I get asked a lot of questions about what it is like back home. Sometimes I even get questions such as, “Do you know Crocodile Dundee?” – To which I reply a line made famous by Kevin Bloody Wilson: “Know him? Mate, he’s my brother!”

The longer I live here in NYC, the more it becomes clear that a lot of Americans have some really interesting concepts and visualizations about what the land down under must be like. For example, I get the impression, quite often, that many of my American friends see Australia like these images:

Some stereotypes do exist. For instance, in Australia, most of us are platonic ‘mates’ to each other. The men here are definitely tall, beefy and brawny, thanks to their love for footy and AFL. Melbourne does have unpredictable weather, just as it has the best coffee.

In spite of that, there are some age-old perceptions that pop culture convinces people to believe about Aussies and their land. Here’s a list of myths that have been exaggerated and blown largely out of proportion.

1) Kangaroos: Nobody rides to school on a Kangaroo. The kids don’t wait at the Kangaroo stop and people do not struggle to find a good spot to park their Kangaroos. Australians, walk (not hop) – they hop on to trams though, and they use trains and taxis as well. Some Aussies own a Swift or a Honda and some of them have Audis and Ferraris. However, nobody has a Kangaroo, in fact we never even get to see one in the city.

Kangaroo

2) Barbecue: There is no denying the fact that Aussies relish a good BBQ. It’s a feature on housewarmings, birthdays, or sometimes just on a Sunday. However, no matter what Paul Hogan said in the 1980s, ‘shrimp is not the only thing that is put on the Barbie’. Sausages, steaks, fillets, burgers, you name it and I can assure you that it has been barbecued somewhere in Australia. But there is no particular fascination for shrimp or prawn above the others.

Paul Hogan cooking up a feast

3) Fosters Beer: It is one of the least popular beers in Australia and god knows Aussies love their beer. Fosters has gained popularity largely through exports thus leading to the false notion that Australians survive on Fosters.

4) Crocodile Wrestling: Steve Irwin was really brave to do it, Paul Hogan was really talented to show it, but most Australians don’t know squat about it. Yes, there have been some significant crocodile and alligator references to Australia on an international level, but this is not a sport kids learn at age 4 or at any age as a matter of fact.

5) Fashion: People do not wear singlets, thongs, bikinis and hats with corks dangling from it. They might wear it to the beach, but no one wears it to work, parties or the mall…um I mean shopping center. Melbourne and Sydney have established themselves as fashion and shopping hotspots with various brands of clothes, handbags and shoes that are not just Quicksilver, Billabong or Rip Curl. The fashion standard is easily comparable to New York and London.

6) Desert: Yes, a large portion of the Australian land is a desert, however, those are not places where Aussies live or most travellers would visit. Australian cities and beaches are developed enough to be a highlight of the country besides the dry barren land.

7) Sparsely populated: Australia undoubtedly has a low population and yes the outback and suburban areas might be scanty. However, the developed cities and tourist spots are far from it. Try going to the Opera House on New Year’s Eve and you will know what I am talking about.

8. Vegemite: It is not the staple diet after barbecue. Vegemite is available everywhere and is probably in the pantry of every household, however, it is by far not the most popular spread. Jams, butter, cheese, dips are more commonly consumed by kids and adults.

9) Life by the beach: All Australians don’t live by the beach and go surfing at 11 AM on a Monday morning. Going to the beach is indeed a luxury and an activity to be done on a holiday or a free weekend that people find difficult to arrange because of demanding work schedules.

Me & my board 

Channeling some Aussie Tucker?

If you are Australian (pure bread or at heart) and homesick, well I have some good news for you as the comfort foods that saw us through our younger years are available here in New York. 

After being in Manhattan for over 6 months now and semi retired, I made it my mission to find all the cool little places that the city has to offer...even if it is off the beat path...thats just how Sheila's like to do it. 

When you begin dreaming of Tim Tams, Teddy Bear bicci's or Lamingtons, an Aussie Meat Pie or Vegemite or even a Sunny Boy as I did this summer, you know you are in desperate need of a home fix or simply just a beer with Duncan. 

If you cannot recognise the signs, inform your mates and work mates of the symptoms of Aussie homesickness and ask them to follow these directions. If heard singing "I'm a happy little Vegemite' or seen watching an episode of Home & Away you may interpret this as homesickness and immediately obtain a jar of Vegemite, some Salada or SAO biscuits or white toast and butter, open the jar under the Aussie's nose and lead them to the kitchen. If you have Lipton Teabags, even better. If its past 5pm, a Fosters Lager, VB or Coopers might be needed. If none of these work, just wall out "Warnie" and see if you get any colour in their cheeks, if this doesn't work ask if Michael Clarke is the Prime Minister and see if you get a glimmer of  a smile.  

Michael Clarke for PM 

My first discovery was none other than the The Australian at 20 West 38th Street. If you are looking for some serious Aussie tucker...then Bob's your uncle, this place is a must! The Australian has a very chillaxed atmosphere and whether you need to throw back a coldie (Fosters) or hungry for traditional meat pies, sausage rolls, chicken parma or even pavlova for that sweet tooth...this place is a definite so go say g'day. And for any extreme sport withdrawal afflictions, most Aussie sport events can be watched from here including cricket and Aussie Rules Footy. But being an Aussie Sheila, we try not to tell Aussie male subspecies (especially the bogans) that this may be on, or you may lose them for life.

A-Chan & I with our American plus sized tinny of Fosters

I recently stumbled across this clip on Fosters and the Big Apple...très funny.

Myers in Australia is a department store. Myers of Keswick in New York is a traditional British gourmet deli that is said to stock everything English and some Australian fare too. When I recently visited the store in West Village...I seriously jà died and went to cornish pasty and scone heaven!!! This shop sells homemade gourmet pies and pasties and their  english tea cakes and scones are to die for. They also sell other Aussie grocery items that you could be missing from home...i have made a list below of the standouts for me:

• John West Tuna (what is this Bumble Bee rubbish?)
• Heinz Baked Beans
• Vegemite
• HP Sauce
• Ribena
• Lucozade
• Tim Tams
• Scotch Finger 
• and much much more!!!

The front of Myers of Keswick

Pie Heaven

Tuck Shop is another little gem in the city. It's hidden away in the Chelsea Market if you are not looking for it you will not find it! I ran a little experiment and asked some Yankee Doodle friends "what is a tuck shop?"...with no surprise, no one knew. A tuck shop is an Australian school canteen and to an Aussie kids this means a lunch consisting of vegemite sandwiches and samboy chips. 

If Tim Tams or Violet Crumble, vanilla slice or lamingtons are required, the Tuck Shop  has them. They also stock fantastic Australian pies and all other foods Australian including the quintessential Vegemite. They even have BBQ Shapes. The Tuckshop will deliver, so in a homesickness emergency they may be your first port of call until you can find an Australian bar or eatery.

The très additive BBQ Shapes

Finally, get ready to laugh fellow Aussies, but if you didn't already know Pie Face has made it all the way from Bondi Beach back home to Broadway here in the Big Apple. I must admit I have never been a huge fan of Pie Face and I personally believe there are better places for pies in the city. But for pie virgins as most Americans are this place is a great starting point.  

You guessed it...a pie from Pie Face!!

So I hope I haven't made y'all too hungry now!!!

A Sheila's Guide to Aussie Slang

One thing you will come to realise very quickly here in NYC is that the Aussie accent is loved...by e-ver-y-one!!! It's cray. I hate the sound of my accent and it's the reason why I have been travelling to the USA for the past 7 years...to hopefully lose it haha!

If my friends here on the island have no clue what I am talking about...they seriously just look at me blankly...so funny how we are so similar yet so different. I thought NYC was bad, but I recently went to Texas for the OU v Texas college footy game and OMJesus they seriously had no clue at all at what i was saying. It was like I was talking a totally different language. Très funny!!

Full House @ the OU/TX Game

Pappa Vlad and I in our pimpin Wrangler

I get asked like everyday to teach people some Aussie Slang...hence the inspiration for this blog post. 

Sheila's Guide to teaching Aussie Slang...

Arvo: afternoon

ABC - Australian Born Chinese.

Aggro -  Aggressive. 'There's no need to be so aggro.'

Aussie salute: brushing away flies with the hand

Avos: avocados

All froth and no beer -  No substance. 'I thought he was reliable but he was all froth and no beer.'

Apeshit -  An expression of extreme anger

Bull dust -  A lie. 

Bail out: depart, usually angrily

Barbie: barbecue 

Bangers and mash: sausages and mashed potato

Barrack: to cheer on 

Battler: someone working hard and only just making a living

Beaut: great, fantastic

Bikkie: biscuit (also "it cost big bikkies" - it was expensive)

Bizzo: business ("mind your own bizzo")

Bloke: man, guy

Bloody oath!: that's certainly true

Bogan : person who takes little pride in his appearance, spends his days slacking and drinking beer

Bludger: lazy person, layabout, somebody who always relies on other people to do things or lend him things

Bob's your uncle: It will be alright

Bonzer: great, ripper

Boogie board: a hybrid, half-sized surf board

Booze bus: police vehicle used for catching drunk drivers

Bottle-o: liquor shop

Brown-eyed mullet: a turd in the sea (where you're swimming!)

Buckley's chance: no chance ("New Zealand stands Buckley's of beating Australia at football")

Buck's night: stag party, male gathering the night before the wedding

Bullshit: To tell lies

Cark it: to die, cease functioning

Chewy: Chewing gum

Chokkie: chocolate

Chuck a sickie: take the day off sick from work when you're perfectly healthy

Chunder: vomit

Coldie: a beer

Cozzie: swimming costume

Derro -  Homeless person with addiction problems.

Dag: a funny person, nerd, goof

Deadset: true, the truth

Fair dinkum: true, real, genuine ("I'm a dinkum Aussie"; "is he fair dinkum?")

Dipstick: a loser, idiot

Drink with the flies: to drink alone

Drongo: a dope, stupid person

Spit the Dummy: get very upset at something

Dunny: outside lavatory, or toilet

Earbashing: nagging, non-stop chatter

Figjam: "F**k I'm good; just ask me". Nickname for people who have a high opinion of themselves.

Footy: Australian Rules football

Fruit loop: fool

Fried eggs -  Small breasts.

Garbo, garbologist: municipal garbage collector

G'Day, Gidday: hello!

Give it a burl: try it, have a go

Grog: liquor, beer ("bring your own grog, you bludger")

Hoon: hooligan

Hit the sack -  go to bed

Hooroo: goodbye 

Lippy: lipstick

Mate's rate: cheaper than usual for a "friend"

Mozzie: mosquito

Map of Tassie -  Woman's pubic hair. 

Have a Naughty: have sex

Ninkum poop: a fool

Not the full quid: not bright intellectually

Pash: passion, infatuation

Perve: looking lustfully at the opposite sex

Piker: Someone who doesn't want to fit in with others socially, leaves parties early

Rage: party

Ripper: great, fantastic

Root: synonym for f*ck in nearly all its senses: "I feel rooted"; "this washing machine is rooted"; "(s)he's a good root". A very useful word in fairly polite company.

Scratchy: instant lottery ticket

Servo: petrol station

Sheila: a woman

Sickie: day off sick from work (chuck a sickie=take the day off sick from work when you're perfectly healthy!)

Slab: a carton of 24 bottles or cans of beer

Smoko: smoke or coffee break

Snag: a sausage

Spit the dummy: get very upset at something

Stickybeak: nosy person

Strewth: exclamation, mild oath ("Strewth, that Chris is a bonzer bloke")

Shit house -  Very bad also toilet.

Shit shoveler -  Someone doing a badly paid unpleasant job.

Taswegian: a person from Tasmania

Technicolor yawn: vomit

Thingo: Wadjamacallit, thingummy, whatsit

Thick as a brick -  Dim witted person. 'Judy is as thick as a brick!'

Thongs: cheap rubber backless sandals

Thunder box: toilet

To have Tickets on oneself: to have a high opinion of oneself

Tinny: can of beer, small aluminium boat

Too right!: definitely!

Tucker: food 

Uni: university

Up oneself: have a high opinion of oneself - "he's really up himself"

Ute: utility vehicle

Veg out: relax in front of the TV (like a vegetable)

Vee dub: Volkswagen

Waggin' school: playing truant

Whinge: complain

Woop Woop: invented name for any small unimportant town - "he lives in Woop Woop"

Wowser: straight-laced person, prude, puritan, spoilsport

Wog: person of Mediterranean origin 

Youse: you