The Aussie (Bogan-ised) Citizenship Test

My friends in New York keep telling me how much they love Australia and that they really have a deep connection with the Land Down Under...all from watching Crocodile Dundee and few eps of Summer Heights High and We Can Be Heroes. Everyone here loves Aussies and wants to vacay  slash work slash live in Australia...because we are like "so cool and chillaxed"...right on!!!

So, I remember being forwarded this Aussie Citizenship Test years ago during the debate over the government wanting to test all migrants before entering Australia...which I totally think is fair. 

But the spoof test basically is a Bogan-ised version of the Aussie Citizen Test. So I put it out there to all my American friends...if you can pass this test, you are a "True Blue Fair Dinkum Aussie"!!!

Aussie Citizenship Test

1. Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin of, the term 'died in the arse'? 
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2. What is a "bloody little beauty"? 
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3. Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a U-ey? 
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4. Explain the following passage: 'In the arvo last Chrissy the relos rocked up for a barbie, some bevvies and a few snags. After a bit of a Bex and a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the chockies, bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block after Dad and Steve had a barney and a bit of biffo.' 
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5. Macca, Chooka and Wanger are driving to Surfers in their Torana. If they are travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how many slabs will each person on average consume between flashing a brown eye and having a slash? 
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6. Complete the following sentences: 
a) 'If the van's rockin' don't bother ? 
b) You're going home in the back of a ? 
c) Fair crack of the ? 
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7. I've had a gutful and I can't be fagged. Discuss 
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8. Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie? 
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9. Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard 'up on blocks'? Is his name Bruce and does he have a wife called Cheryl? 
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10. Does your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat, cabbage, curry powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called either chow mein, chop suey or kai see ming? 
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11. What are the ingredients in a rissole? 
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12. Demonstrate the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam. 
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13. Do you have an Aunty Irene who smokes 30 cigarettes a day and sounds like a bloke? 
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14. In any two-hour period have you ever eaten three-bean salad, a chop and two serves of pav washed down with someone else's beer that has been flogged from a bath full of ice? 
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15. When you go to a bring- your-own-meat barbie can you eat other people's meat or are you only allowed to eat your own? 
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16. What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter 'b' is required by law to be included in a hamburger with the lot? 
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17. Do you own or have you ever owned a lawn mower, a pair of thongs, an Esky or Ugg boots? 
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18. Is it possible to 'prang a car' while doing 'circle work'? 
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19. Who would you like to crack on to? 
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20. Who is the most Australian: Kevin 'Bloody' Wilson, John 'True Blue' Williamson, Kylie Minogue or Warnie? 
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21. Is there someone you are only mates with because they own a trailer or have a pool? 
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22. What does "sinkin piss at a mates joint" and "getten para" mean?

Aussie Citizenship Test - Answers

Translation:
1. I can't explain the origin however, an example is: Could you give me a ride to work? My car died in the arse and it's at the mechanics. OR,
It had all the markings of a good movie/joke but the ending just died in the arse.

2. A happy statement. ie: Doing something nice for someone and they exclaim, "You bloody little beauty!" It also pertains to our favourite team winning...etc.

3. No, they're not.
A. To chuck a sickie means taking a day off from work/school when you're not sick.
B. Chuck a spaz, is the same as throwing a tantrum.
C. chuck a U-ey means makinga U-turn.

4.In the afternoon last Christmas, the relatives showed up for a B-B-Q, some beverages and a few sausages. After a bit of a Bex (headache powder) and a lie down (nap), we opened the presents and ate all the chocolates, biscuits (cookies) and candy. Then we drank a few beers and Mum got mad after Dad and Steve had an argument and a bit of a fist fight.

5. Macca, Chooka and Wanger (all mens' nicknames) are driving to Surfers Paradise (a coastal city, in Queensland) in their Torana (make of Aussie car). If they are travelling at 100km/h (60 miles) while listening to Jimmy Barnes, John Farnham and AC/DC, how many boxes (of beer) will each person on average, consume between mooning and peeing?

6. Complete the following sentences:
a) If the van's rockin' don't bother...knockin'.
b) You're going home in the back of a...ute/panel van?
c) Fair crack of the...whip.

7. I've had a gutful, means I've had enough...I can't be fagged, means I just can't be bothered.

8. wedgie. A manoeuvre in which the administrator of the wedgie reaches into the back of the victim's trousers, grabs the victim's underpants, and pulls them up so that they form a wedge dividing the victim's buttocks

9. A car on blocks should be self explantory...it's up off the ground with no tyres. Names like Bruce and Cheryl are common but "lower" type names.

10. Mince meat is the same as ground beef..This is an Aussie recipe for a Chinese dish.

11. Beef mince
Eggs
Onion (grated)
Bread crumbs or bread soaked in milk
Plain flour
Salt and pepper

12. Must be soaked in a glass of milk...then suck on it like a straw before you commence the nibbling process.

13. A heavy smoker who sounds like a man.

14, In any two-hour period have you ever eaten three bean salad, a chop (lamb or pork) and two serves of pavlova, followed by drinking someone else's beer that was "stolen" from a bath full of ice? Instead of ice boxes (which we call, "eskies") alot of people just fill the tub with ice to keep the drinks cold.

15. The answer is yes...you can eat other peoples' meat...saugages, steaks etc...but ask first!

16. Beetroot (known as "beet"in the States).

17. Pair of thongs are flip-flops, an esky is an icebox and ugg boots are akin to what the Inuits wear.

18. I'll have to say yes, it's possible. Prang means to crash and circle work, is going 'round and 'round in circles at top speeds.

19. "Crack on to" means to come on to someone.

20. Names of famous Aussie...could be any of them, except for Kylie Minogue (in my opinion ha!)

21. A mate is a buddy and a trailer is a little thing you tow behind your car...usually full of sand, tools or for taking rubbish to the tip.

22. "Sinkin' piss at a mates joint" means, drinking beer at your friends place and "gettin' para" means getting really fucken drunk

DID YA'LL PASS???

Want to learn Chinese in 5 Minutes...Aussie style?

Wei!!!! Well here is the Aussie Sheila's Guide to learn the basics to get through a visit to Chinatown which is always a MUST in NYC...right? 

Enjoy.

The Low Down on Understanding Aussies...

The Australian way-of-life, sense of humour, perspective & lingo is often a complete mystery to those visiting our sunburnt shores. We are best described as chillaxed and mega laid-back or casual.

Much of what makes the 'Aussie-a-saurus-rex' species unique is its evolution from a society based on 'mateship'. The 'new' country was more new than anyone could ever have imagined! Animals that hopped, furry animals with duck-bills, big-birds that didn’t fly, spiders, crocs and snakes…not to mention natives throwing sticks that return to sender…WTF! This land was one hell of a culture shock to the European visitors!!!

Indigenous Aboriginal and his Boomerang 

The use of the word mate was widespread by the 1890s, and is often linked with the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier and colourful goldfield towns. It is to reaffirm our egalitarian backgrounds that Aussies greet everyone they meet with "G'day mate, ow-yer-goin'?” Translation: Good Morning Sir. How are you today?

The other explanation for why we call everyone mate is that we are a nation of lazy bastards, all just really hopeless with names!

The idea of group solidarity and mateship is a recurring theme in Aussie relationships. It helps:

• Maintain group coherence by respecting each other’s ability, not their 'position'
• Promotes democratic processes by reminding all that no one is better than the other or more valued than the group
• Confirming the individuals acceptance into the 'mates circle.'

The ultimate accolade or mark of acceptance from an Aussie is …"yeah, he's not a bad bloke", rising to …”he's 'a good/top bloke' or she's a 'top bird.”

It is also often proper to refer to your best friend as "a total or stupid bastard"…often said loudly with raucous affection. By contrast, an enemy is "a bit of a bastard" and your worst enemy is just plain…"a bastard," said quietly yet firmly through clenched teeth!

Here's some more insider hints about us mob:

•    The shorter the nickname, the more we like you. 
(If any word can be shortened, it will…preferably ending in a vowel) Eg, Steven = Stevo

•   It's considered far better to be "down on your luck" than "up yourself."

•    Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the milk crate. And, if it can't be fixed with pantyhose and '8-guage fencing wire', it's not worth fixing. (Yeah…& Gaffa tape!!!)

•    The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags. (Sausages.)

Typical Aussie bogans mates having a BBQ

•    The bigger the hat, the smaller the station / farm. (Never, ever a 'ranch!')

•    The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. Or at least not acted upon. You should take everything. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you are not trying.

•    On picnics, the Esky (ice-box/cold storage container) is always too small, creating a food versus grog (alcohol) battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.

•    The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle,” means everyone in the family loves a drink.

•    A flash sports car driven by a middle-aged man does not incite envy - as in America - but hilarity.

•    If there were any sort of free event or party within a hundred and fifty kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go. Got to conquer the tyranny of distance!

•    Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage-sizzle and onion rings.

•    There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce. (Aka. 'dead horse' in rhyming slang.) It's never, ever called 'ketsup' despite the extensive marketing campaigns and the relentless onslaught of globalisation.

•    A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in the 'good ole US of A, but a fine example of footwear. A group of good-lookin' Aussie sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped!!

•    'Rooting' for a team is not what you think!! The only people Aussies 'root' for is their husbands/wives/girlfriends/very good friends etc. We 'barrack' for our teams!

And finally, don't let the tourist books fool you. No one says "cobber," and no Aussie would ever 'throw another shrimp on the barbie'…

FYI - We only eat prawns.

Put another shrimp prawn on the barbie!!

My Fair Dinkum Guide to Dating in NYC

To native New Yorkers, I’m still considered a FOP…Fresh Off the Plane as I have only been here the past 6 months. But dating in NYC is always an adventure. You never know if a particular night out will turn into an episode of Sex and the City, The Odd Couple, or Law & Order.

It would be nice to have some expert advice on NYC dating etiquette and what NOT to do…because from what I have seen and heard so far, dating in the Land Down Under is polar opposite.

The “No frills attached way to date”

For Aussies, dating is a dreaded process, with most wishing it could be confined to an episode of Friends. In Australia intimate relationships of any nature happen organically—as does the vast majority of fruit and chicken like you get at Wholefoods here.

Typically, you will meet your love interest through a friend or a friend of a friend or a friend of a friend of a friend. You will hang out in a group and make eyes at each other across a circle of loosely connected people on a rooftop bar or a house party. Eventually you will find yourselves in a corner in deep conversation, laughing and making racist jokes.

You might pash, you might not, but you will exchange numbers. You’ll know that you really like each other when you’re in a taxi going home alone but you’re sending and receiving super cute, incredibly long texties to each other. The next day you’ll probably hang out again— either brunch or one of you will invite the other to a group picnic or to see the latest indie film at the coolest indie cinema with some awesome indie friends. Fantasia.

Time will pass without you noticing and then one day you realize…wow…you’ve hung out almost every day for 2 months. You’ll be lying in bed one Sunday morning reading the paper and drinking orange juice when one will roll over and say to the other, ‘um…we’re like, only seeing each other right?’ The other will shrug their shoulders and casually say ‘I guess,’ because you both knew there was never really a question of anyone else to begin with, mostly because you’re both too lazy or too relaxed for things to be that complicated.

Now New York:

People date in NYC for numerous reasons. You can date for sex, or excitement, or to score free dinners. You can date for "companionship." You can date to climb the status ladder. You can date for free drinks, or taxi rides, or a discount at J.Crew. And to help assist all this, everyone in NYC online dates! But the real shock horror for me was that people date multiple people simultaneously and it's no big deal. In fact, it almost seems expected. Strange central.

Now a typical NYC date…

Mr Wall Street “Hello complete stranger that I know nothing about but would definitely like to bring home. Would you like to go to dinner with me one night so we can sit awkwardly across from each other and ask each other dumb questions about where we grew up?”

Ms Plastic Fantastic “Sure, you’re kind of good looking and you seem rich so I guess I’m going to get a free meal from a place I wouldn’t usually be able to afford.”

Mr Wall Street “Great, what’s your number? I’m asking for it even though I’m not going to text you for at least 3 days because I don’t want to seem too available.”

Ms Plastic Fantastic “That’s OK, I’m going to act like I’m busy the first 2 times you ask me out even though I’m probably just going to be sitting at home by myself watching The Real Housewives of NYC.”

Mr Wall Street “On second thoughts it sounds like you have far too many flaws and I don’t want to date someone who doesn’t fit my absolute ideal of a perfect human.”

New York dating is in it’s own category field universe… just like many of the people here are surely from a different planet, a planet known as NYC.

The first rule of New York dating is that rules do not exist and if you think they do, you should not be diving into this shark tank. Seriously, rules go right out the window when you enter the Holland Tunnel or cross the George Washington Bridge. Logic simply does not exist in the world of New York dating, just like rules.

A good friend slash experienced dater slash native New Yorker passed on these few tips which I will share will my fellow Sheila’s:

1. It may seem obvious, but you should always ask if someone is married. Always. You never know who is hitched, and New Yorkers do not see the sun enough (office tan = pasty white) for there to be a tan line from a wedding ring.

2. Decide why you are dating before dating. If you are looking for a life partner you should adjust your expectations. I have a very eclectic bunch of friends in the city, with ages ranging from early 20’s to late 30’s with the occasional outlier in age…referred to as ‘sugar daddy’ or ‘cougar’. And it’s fact, New Yorkers walk down the isle at a much later, I mean much, much, much later age. It’s totally normal to be single at 40. I recently went to Texas and I was frowned upon for not being married and for not already have popped out like a Brady Bunch amount of kids…at 26!!

The Brady Bunch

3. If you get a text out of the blue that reads something along the lines of, “Hey, it’s been a long time” during the month of February, don’t answer. They just wants a Valentine. If you get a similar text in December, they just wants a date to a New Year’s party. If you get a text of that nature during the summer, answer it. They may want to take you to the Hamptons or some other beach loco.

      But through all the craziness, if you are looking for someone interesting, there is no better place to look. There is so much variety here and thats what I love. Melbourne was kind of small. Once you have been here long enough and learned to greatly appreciate New York crazy, you can embrace the uniqueness of everyone you meet. There are some great guys out  there, all you need to do is sift through the rubbish to get there…but that’s part of the fun…right?

The Land Down Under through the eyes of a Yank

Living in NYC has been an interesting experience for someone who was born and raised in Australia. Quite often, I get asked a lot of questions about what it is like back home. Sometimes I even get questions such as, “Do you know Crocodile Dundee?” – To which I reply a line made famous by Kevin Bloody Wilson: “Know him? Mate, he’s my brother!”

The longer I live here in NYC, the more it becomes clear that a lot of Americans have some really interesting concepts and visualizations about what the land down under must be like. For example, I get the impression, quite often, that many of my American friends see Australia like these images:

Some stereotypes do exist. For instance, in Australia, most of us are platonic ‘mates’ to each other. The men here are definitely tall, beefy and brawny, thanks to their love for footy and AFL. Melbourne does have unpredictable weather, just as it has the best coffee.

In spite of that, there are some age-old perceptions that pop culture convinces people to believe about Aussies and their land. Here’s a list of myths that have been exaggerated and blown largely out of proportion.

1) Kangaroos: Nobody rides to school on a Kangaroo. The kids don’t wait at the Kangaroo stop and people do not struggle to find a good spot to park their Kangaroos. Australians, walk (not hop) – they hop on to trams though, and they use trains and taxis as well. Some Aussies own a Swift or a Honda and some of them have Audis and Ferraris. However, nobody has a Kangaroo, in fact we never even get to see one in the city.

Kangaroo

2) Barbecue: There is no denying the fact that Aussies relish a good BBQ. It’s a feature on housewarmings, birthdays, or sometimes just on a Sunday. However, no matter what Paul Hogan said in the 1980s, ‘shrimp is not the only thing that is put on the Barbie’. Sausages, steaks, fillets, burgers, you name it and I can assure you that it has been barbecued somewhere in Australia. But there is no particular fascination for shrimp or prawn above the others.

Paul Hogan cooking up a feast

3) Fosters Beer: It is one of the least popular beers in Australia and god knows Aussies love their beer. Fosters has gained popularity largely through exports thus leading to the false notion that Australians survive on Fosters.

4) Crocodile Wrestling: Steve Irwin was really brave to do it, Paul Hogan was really talented to show it, but most Australians don’t know squat about it. Yes, there have been some significant crocodile and alligator references to Australia on an international level, but this is not a sport kids learn at age 4 or at any age as a matter of fact.

5) Fashion: People do not wear singlets, thongs, bikinis and hats with corks dangling from it. They might wear it to the beach, but no one wears it to work, parties or the mall…um I mean shopping center. Melbourne and Sydney have established themselves as fashion and shopping hotspots with various brands of clothes, handbags and shoes that are not just Quicksilver, Billabong or Rip Curl. The fashion standard is easily comparable to New York and London.

6) Desert: Yes, a large portion of the Australian land is a desert, however, those are not places where Aussies live or most travellers would visit. Australian cities and beaches are developed enough to be a highlight of the country besides the dry barren land.

7) Sparsely populated: Australia undoubtedly has a low population and yes the outback and suburban areas might be scanty. However, the developed cities and tourist spots are far from it. Try going to the Opera House on New Year’s Eve and you will know what I am talking about.

8. Vegemite: It is not the staple diet after barbecue. Vegemite is available everywhere and is probably in the pantry of every household, however, it is by far not the most popular spread. Jams, butter, cheese, dips are more commonly consumed by kids and adults.

9) Life by the beach: All Australians don’t live by the beach and go surfing at 11 AM on a Monday morning. Going to the beach is indeed a luxury and an activity to be done on a holiday or a free weekend that people find difficult to arrange because of demanding work schedules.

Me & my board